I have been blessed many times over to be in Rome for this Spring 2005 semester of school. I have been here to participate in the last few events of our previous Holy Father John Paul II, I was able to stand by his side (in the piazza) when he died, I was able to visit him lying in state, and attend his funeral, all with a loving community of anywhere from 300,000 to 6 million people from all around the globe. I have also had the blessing of being here for the conclave to pray for our voting Cardinals, and to be here for the installation of our new pope Benedict XVI.
I was in Rome in 2000 for World Youth Day and it was a life changing experience. I had only brief contact with JPII as he passed by in his Popemoblie and as he later celebrated Mass with us at Tor Vorgata, but it was that small touching of our lives about four years ago I knew that I wanted more. That was when the Lord put the desire in my heart to return to Rome. Years flew past and I grew in my faith, and it looked like I would never have the opportunity to return to Rome. I put all of my desire to return to Rome into the Lord's hands and told Him that the only way for me to get back is if He made it happen for me.
About two years ago, the Lord started something new in my spiritual life; something big. I couldn't tell what it was, but I could tell that it was going to be big. I kept wondering what it was - I tried guessing, I tried praying to the Lord to reveal it, but the Lord would keep asking me to trust Him and be patient. about a year ago this feeling that something gigantic was about to happen was so overwhelming that I felt that I was going to be crushed by it. I thought that it is so big that it must be about to happen, so I tried to prepare myself spiritually for what the Lord had for me, thinking it would happen any day now. Of course I was doing something I so frequently do unfortunately - thinking about myself. I was thinking that this feeling I had was all about me. In a way it was, but in a way it wasn't. It was also about this time that the opportunity arose for me to go to back to Rome. I began the process and ran into many obstacles. I couldn't help but wonder if I was merely trying to assert my own will to go back to Rome, and not following the Lord's will for my life. So once again I prayed to the Lord saying that I put my journey back to Rome into His hands.
To make a long story short, the Lord came through in getting me to Rome. About two months before I left for Rome (so in November 2004) this feeling of something huge increased one again. I had thought this feeling was already so overwhelming that it could not possibly increase, but it did. I then put two and two together and realized that whatever was going to happen, the Lord wanted me in Rome for it. I guessed that the Lord wanted me in Rome because then I would not be distracted by my normal distractions in St Paul, and would thus be able to focus on what He had in store for me. Also as I got closer He started revealing what this big this was: the Lord wanted me to go to the 'next stage' in my life with Him. What does that mean? It means giving up my personal desires and abandoning my past, present, and future to Him to a depth I had not yet gone. It means me saying "Yes" to Him at every moment of every day. It also means being OK with whatever happens in my life, good or bad, and seeing the Lord's hand in all of it, for my personal growth. It means acceptance and patience of Divine Providence.
So how was the Lord going to accomplish this? He had been trying to get me to this stage for at least a couple of years already, what could He possibly do in Rome that He couldn't do in St Paul? He did the ONLY THING that could get me "out of myself". He forced me to evaluate my life against a standard I thought possible (I often have fallen to victim to the despair of not being able to live up to Jesus exhortation to "Be perfect as your heavenly father is perfect.") As I look back on what has happened I can honestly say, with some shame, that the death of John Paul II was the only think that could have woken me out of my slumber.
I saw JPII only in passing and never met his personally, but I could feel the love radiate from him. I wanted to come to Rome and meet him. Almost every semester of St Thomas students have had the opportunity to meet JPII in person and get the famous "Pope picture" of them kissing or holding JPII's hand, and I wanted that opportunity. I wanted to see him at every opportunity; I wanted to hear every word he spoke. I came here with so many personal wants. In the Lord's great plan for my life, JPII fell deathly ill in December before I even arrived in Rome (and I didn't even know it!) When I arrived I found out that he would be having no more private audiences. I was crushed. I prayed that he would make a recovery like he has before. His health was bad, but JPII was known for his disobedience to his doctors and making an appearance at his window. I longed to see and hear him, but every time I went to the piazza I could not see him because of where I was standing. By the time he died I had not seen the pope at all since World Youth Day in 2000. I was not mad, but I was sad that I missed seeing him at least one last time.
It was during the few days following the death of JPII when the Lord revealed to me what this big thing was that I had been feeling. As I said above, it was a call for me to change my life. All of the pieces had been put into place by the Lord to create the perfect, unreplicatable situation in which I could finally abandon myself to him like never before. the weeks following were a blur as I struggled and stumbled into this new stage of my spiritual life. As anyone knows who has progressed in the spiritual life, the beginnings of a stage are filled with confusion, doubt, mystery, and fear. Through it all I knew that JPII was in heaven praying for me. In God's great plan, there was a particular photo of JPII in the chapel of my residence, and in this picture JPII has a loving gaze that encourages me and gives me strength. I spent much time in the chapel with JPII gazing at me with the love of Christ, and I could all but hear him saying, "Christopher, you can do it. I believe in you. I am hear watching out you and praying for you." I would look at the picture and say, "I can do it! I will do it! Yes Lord, I will try my best."
Here I stand, about a month later, still trying to do what the Lord has called my to. I am human and I still revert back to my old ways occasionally, however I need but to look at a photo of JPII to get up and move forward with renewed strength. Like a child trying to walk, it will take persistence and perseverance to continue in this new stage of my life. But I know that I have JPII praying for me at all times. Like Christ who went before him, JPII gave up his life for others, and through the mysterious workings of God, JPII's death was the beginning of a new life within me. So I thank and praise God for the gift of JPII; a man I never met in person, but a man that I feel closer to than almost any other man in my life. JPII has become my protector and my intercessor, and I know that with his help, I will become the person God has called me to be.
Pope John Paul the Great, pray for us.
